PopTards & PopCorn: The Room

By: Jess "The Hoss" Tutton

My husband and I spend some time looking at the 'Youtubes' for hilarity. We went on a binge once of internet lists of best of worst movies, and joyfully watched scene after scene. While I don’t think “The Room” is the worst movie ever made, it surely is on someone’s Top 20 list. It’s the kind of movie where you expect people to start shedding clothes as you think to yourself, “Surely the crappy dialogue, and 8^th grade play-style sets must ensure this is pornography.” But, no. This is a seriously crafted movie. That is what makes it worth writing about here. In fact, the advertisements bill it as having the passion of Tennessee Williams, at the same time being a lighthearted comedy. I don’t remember much about my English classes in high school, but I DO remember Tennessee Williams is not a jovial kind of guy. I also really seriously doubt the producer was making a comedy. Maybe he just forgot how to make a pornography and had to cover it up somehow?

            The “star” of this movie is Tommy Wiseau, who is also credited on screen as both the movie's producer and executive producer. As per Wikipedia, “Without any studio support, Wiseau spent over $7 million on production and marketing for the film. Wiseau promotes the film as a black comedy and insists that its humor is actually intentional, although cast members have publicly disputed these claims and many audience members generally view the film as a poorly-made drama.”

 Tommy Wiseau looks like he stepped right out of a Warrant video from the late ‘80s, or worse, the early ‘90s. This film was made in 2003. He wears white baggy pants, a long mop of hair, and he walks like he has two large packages of salami taped to his inner thighs. He looks like some sort of German form of Milli Vanilli.  This man gives acting and directing, and frankly spending $7 million, a bad name.

                Actually, let me just stop this review right here, as I just realized, there is NOTHING to review here. It’s just that bad. It would be just a waste of yours and my time to give it any sort of credence and seriously considering the “plot” or “actors” should be taken seriously. Let’s not fool ourselves here folks. Instead, I will present a list of things that make “The Room” worthy material to consider if you are let’s say bored and needing a laugh, or trying to create some sort of fun new drinking game.

1) Wiseau films everyone’s exit from a scene. Pro-long-ed-ly. Apparently he hasn’t discovered a little tactic those in the biz refer to as “editing.”  There are at least 20 minutes in the film of entry and exit. Without words. So realistic! What is Spielberg thinking?

2) Whenever Wiseau’s character (Johnny)  enters a scene, he addresses someone as “Oh, Hi __________.” As woodenly and lack of affect-ly as possible. Because my friends, that is how good movies are made. And how you address all of your friends

3) Wiseau’s character (Johnny)  has a best friend named Mark. We know that they are best friends because Johnny tells us over and over again that they are best friends. Johnny also repeatedly tells Mark, “I am so glad you are my best friend.”  However, you see these two together, and you can’t possibly imagine on what planet these two could be friends. It’s kind of like a T-Rex and a sweet little kitten hitting it off. Huh? How? Right.

4) Mark is amazing. He looks like he fell off a truck headed to a Baywatch convention.

5) Lisa is the conniving girlfriend of Johnny and centerpiece of the film. Lisa looks like she gets her hair and make-up advice from Teen Magazine circa 1988. I know this because this is when I read Teen magazine. You couldn’t be less interested in Lisa. Yet all of the men in the movie are head over heels for her, and she is able to wrap them around her finger. Even though all she does is bitch at people and lie about being pregnant, which no one challenges her on…  

6) There are enough plotholes in this movie to devour a small town/ Hellmouth style for all the Buffy fans out there. Here is an example. Claudette states in a nonemotional tone, ^“I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer.” And this is never discussed again at any point in the movie. Of course. And why would it be?

7) The biggest insult in the movie is referring to someone as a “chicken.” Be still my beating heart at such a horrible insult. And guess what? They ACTUALLY act it out. And not well. You think acting like a chicken would be mere childs-play. Wiseau looks something like a man being shot with a semi-automatic 20-30 times in slow motion. Chickens everywhere are deeply offended.

8) The flower shop scene. I can’t even do it justice. It’s like someone wrote words down on a paper, had people recite them, and then played them back in high speed dubbing. With as little emotion as humanly possible. In fact, scratch that. This scene had to be done by cyborgs. There is no other way. Here it is, in all of its glory:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7S9Ew3TIeVQ

            Well, considering I never actually WATCHED this film, just watched about 30 minutes of it on Youtube, and thereafteredly wrote this review in 20 minutes, I think my work is pretty slamming.  Really, you don’t need to see the film. I would strongly suggest watching some of the clips on Youtube. This is a pop culture site, so I figured it was okay, and I wanted to kick something in as a Poptards submission. Sadly, this has been bouncing around in my head since I watched it last night and I really needed someone else to enjoy it. Besides, I have to get back to work people.